Three Bad Nights

Usually, when a senior citizen can't sleep, it's because he/she has been napping all day long. I guess my lack of sleep is from worry. I worry that I will be left penniless. I want to go spit on my husbands grave for being such a vengeful person for no reason at all. If there isn't any reason, it's because of some quirky personality that has a serious character flaw. When he was on his death bed, he met in private with the lawyer to fix his will, etc. After the lawyer left, he hissed through baited breath "Well, I guess you're satisfied now." His character was like a bad tempered rattlesnake. Damn bastard. What mentality looks at life like everything and everyone is out for their money or whatever. His mother was the same way. She counted every penny and piece of silver ware. She counted every fork , knife and spoon after her bridge group left. She was raised very poor and went through the depression. She and her husband worked hard in various businesses and later in life, she exhibited Scorpio tendencies with a hatred and suspicion toward everyone. He appeared to be a soft spoken and very sweet person. I guess my husband was mad because he thought I'd gotten a penny and that to him, was a penny too much. If I'd known how it would have all turned out, I would have kept on working earning my own money and building my own life so that I would have had security. Now, at 74, I'm old, not physically fit and certainly, I don't feel one bit secure. I'm going to have to find a job in order to live in the comfort of something other than medicare. I've been accepted into a job setting and am nervous about starting all over with only the shirt on my back. I can't sleep at night from worry and I seem to have a pit in the bottom of my stomach all the time. Damn him. I didn't do anything to deserve this, he was just a pathetic specimen of a person . We never know how life is going to turn out. I look at these gorgeous women who lounge all over the world without a care. Some rely on their trust funds and others on their looks. Looks are quickly gone and the trust funds can dry up eventually. They should have taken life more seriously. It's not fun to be 74 and feel betrayed by the one who was suppose to love you. Oh, my heart hurts, my stomach churns and I feel like I'm going mad. Will it every stop? I feel broken.